Saira Hayat Khan

I grew up in a pretty stable environment. My parents loved each other. My dad was a proactive involved father and my mom was a hard working, nurturing mother. I had three brothers who played a significant role in shaping me and extended family who were supportive. We all happily spent time together. I didn’t grow up seeing family politics or turmoil. If anything, I was probably the problematic one, skipping school, getting caught in the wrong crowd and just being generally rebellious.

Despite all that – my relationship with my parents never wavered. My dad, in particular – was a solid example for me. Not only was he a God fearing man, he was the perfect role model. From his core, he was an amazing human being. He was pure, not problematic and his priorities were based around his family and religion. Through example, he showed me that it was sinful to lie, even if it was to the same telemarketer calling you over and over again and you want to fib and say the person they’re asking for isn’t home. He’d get disheartened by things we consider small, like when he got his first driving ticket and he felt like he disobeyed the law. I remember when I was leaving for Hajj, I had compiled a book of prayers. I had everyone write their requests in that book. He wrote 10 duahs. 8 for my mom. 1 for his children and 1 for himself. The one for himself read “Ask God to keep me healthy, so I can continue taking care of your mother.” So selfless. They don’t make them like that anymore.

Having your father raise you to fear/love God through his actions remains the greatest experience of my life. He really gave me the tools I needed to navigate life events through the foundation of religion.

It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I got deeper with religion. When you seek God in everything, you will see Him in everything.

At this current point in my life (or at least for the last 7 months) – I’ve really been diving into revelation and proactively practicing being a better Muslim and let me tell you, its tough. Not the practicing part. But the inner struggle. The challenge is to unlearn so much of what you think is normal. Resisting certain human tendencies. Uprooting your entire personality to force yourself to be softer, more patient and speak less. Those are my current goals. My whole existence has revolved around my humour, my hard persona and zero patience. So to change – is an everyday battle with yourself.

There is so much you outgrow or want to grow apart from. Judgment, talking behind someone’s back, people who you are close to. It’s a massive shift. Your life almost gravitates around your faith whereas before, you might have had a few elements of practice in your life. You even question your identity. I know I can’t just go to a lounge and dance the night away with my girls without knowing it’s wrong. That kind of stuff starts to eat at you. 

You see how much of your day needs to change and that feels heavy. But then comes the reward. Your peace. Your prayers being answered. Your purpose changes. So do your priorities. Life doesn’t feel as complicated. It’s calming to see your growth. To see that the things that once impacted you no longer do.

So you sit. On your prayer mat – asking God to make the transition easy. To keep you close to Him. To forgive you for what wrong you’ve done and what you may not know. For the beauty of our religion is that the reward is dependent on the sincerity of trying, and not in the attainment of the result.

And as for my dad – may Allah grant him the highest heaven (Ameen) – I wish he was here to see how he sculpted my unshakable faith.

I’m at the office. Severely dehydrated and borderline on the verge of a mental breakdown. But hey, that makes for the best content, innit. Writing while you’re a little crazy is the best form of release…therefore my obsession with journaling (2x a day). 

A few weeks ago – I had put a post out requesting topics to discuss and had gotten asked on what singlehood feels like. I know a lot of you are probably in long term relationships, naturally missing being on your own or maybe you’re transitioning out of a relationship. Whatever your life may look like – this post might give you some insight on what its like to be single. Before I start – what I write is based on my own experiences obviously – this does not apply for everyone.

Being on your own is funny. Everyone keeps telling me not to get comfortable because it’s dangerous how good you feel when you’re alone and I get it. It’s peaceful. No one to stress you out, you don’t get upset because your needs aren’t met and zero expectations = zero disappointment. BUT…you do get lonely, you do get bored and of course, you’re human – so companionship is a human need. 

So what does all of the above look like in your daily life?

Being that we are women, we’re not always mentally stable (or is that just me?). Every single day feels/looks different. More good than bad, alhamdulillah. 

I find myself randomly sitting around (this only happens at home) and suddenly HALT when this thought HITS me. “Wow. This feels sooooo damn good.” Having my own space, my own rules, my own money, my own TIME. It’s the most euphoric feeling. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it. It might just be a sense of gratitude. I’m not sure.

But other days – I’ll miss the simple things like not paying for my own dinner (lol), watching murder mysteries with someone besides Raaya (jk), and having a constant person to share your everyday updates with. Plus, a man to take out the garbage and kill bugs is always nice.

I’m at the point in my life where I can’t figure out whether I’m willing to sacrifice the euphoric feeling for someone who kills bugs. But then again, I have never met someone good enough or worthwhile to change my mind. I spend my week working, being a mom and balancing deen/dunya. My weekends consist of more working while recovering from the previous 5 days. Fitting a man in wouldn’t be too difficult if that is where I decided to prioritize my time but I’m not ready for the inconvenience. And this mentality, ladies..is why they say being alone is dangerous.

Islamically – we are meant to be married. Nor does human nature promote us to be alone. So what is a single girl to do? The goal should be to find contentment in your current situation. Whatever that may be. 

I always wanted to be that bad betch who sought happiness in herself and did this whole self discovery thing where she refound purpose and all that eat pray love ish. I’ve done all that and now I’m bored. Boredom is overrated. It’s peaceful and peace of mind is my biggest asset. And that is the perfect example of how my ADHD brain works. I can’t make up my mind.

But to be completely transparent. I have the most solid trust in Allah. If there is a man out there meant for you – he will come to you. I, personally, am not willing to leave my house to find him. But if Allah wills it, there is nothing that can stop what’s destined to happen.

That is where I stand. To be honest – that is probably where most single girls stand. Being single isn’t invaluable. Being in a relationship isn’t either. The aim is to find success and contentment in yourself so you can be healthy enough to potentially offer that to someone else, one day. Till then – enjoy your “you” time. Why? Because you will never be this young, hot and energetic again LOL. BYE!

Top of the afternoon to ya! So happy to see you tune into my deepest inner thoughts. I can’t say I’m entirely sure about the direction of today’s piece but I’m just going to spew what comes to mind.

I was talking to my best friend the other day and she said something that stuck to me. She said “divorce suits you.” I didn’t know how to take it. I don’t want to be the kind of girl that divorce looks good on. But as we got to talking – I got the clarity I needed.

Within my network, or I guess online, I’m kind of like the poster child for divorce. Not that I want to be…it just sort of ended up that way. My audience has seen my evolution. For those who have followed me for some time – you saw me as a married girl, going to Raptors games, taking vacations with my husband, getting pregnant, my baby being born and so forth. You also.. saw my break up. It was no secret. 

Then came ‘the level up.’

You saw me get in shape. You see me happy. You see me managing a home, my child, my responsibilities, making my own money and the growth of my spiritual journey. 

As my bestie explained – because of that, people turn to me for guidance. Advice on how to manage the emotions, the transition, legalities, healing and everything that comes post split. 

I’ve painted this picture online that “I’m thriving” and content. You’ve basically seen the results of the work I did… behind closed doors. Online, it looks like I’m saying…”if you get divorced, you can be happy like me.” 

I wanted to take this post to briefly overview the actual reality of divorce.

I’ll start off by saying – I am 100% a spoiled brat. I come from a family of 3 brothers. Being the only daughter, my parents catered to me. Not with the intention to spoil me – but just being parents who want to give their children the best they can offer. I got married young, took advantage of my right as a wife and enjoyed the fruits of my husband’s labour. He never said no to whatever I wanted to buy/eat/do, and from there I further deterred lol. I’ll be honest – I worked, but I never had to contribute to the household.

Come the divorce. I had to grow up overnight. I remember how bitter I was over girls getting divorced who had their parents’ homes to go to, since I didn’t have that option. 

Raaya was only 14 months and with the guilt of it all, I refused to enroll her into an institution just because my marriage failed. I was determined to continue being the kind of available mother I was for the first year of her life. Honestly – I was scared. The fear of the unknown future mortified me.

Bills. Finances. Property Insurance. Utilities. It all slaps you in the face so fast. Paying them on your own is one thing. Figuring out what is what, when it’s due, and who it goes to is a massive shock to your system. I never knew how tolling it would be to live in an expensive city and manage an entire house. Lawn work, furnace replacements, renovations, repairs – all of that costs so much damn moola – I struggle to breathe sometimes.

Initially though – that is the easier part in the grand scheme of things. Praise the Lord for savings. Always have savings.

The hard part was the emotional transition. Rerouting your entire existence. The loss of your partner ultimately leads to so many emotions that you have to maneuver through. We aren’t usually equipped with the tools we need to comb through them. We distract ourselves. We disassociate. We get therapy. We eat/don’t eat. We cope however we can. It comes in stages. It’s painful. You feel isolated, consumed by the fact you’re struggling to adjust. Trust me – you will adjust.

If you’re fortunate enough to have children. You’ll need to re-establish a new chapter of your relationship with your ex partner to effectively co-parent. THIS IS ANNOYING. They are annoying. So are you though. The fighting is draining. You really have to put your ego aside to think of what is best for your child. You have to check your resentment, and suppress however sour you may be. The end goal is to have a healthy relationship and minimize the damage we subject our children to. You give up time with your baby/babies when they are with the other parent and this can bring a new onslaught of anxieties. Guilt, worry, sadness and just missing them. Take the break. I promise you will return as a refreshed, and better parent.

I know we love to throw around the term “healing” and our generation is so obsessed with the concept but if you proactively take adequate measures – it will come naturally. Being fixated on getting to that end goal of being healed and moving forward will drive you insane. The beauty, is in the journey. Spending time with myself is the best gift I gave myself as an adult. It is impossible to truly know yourself on the deepest level – until you are alone. It is also impossible to know the value in knowing yourself on that level till you are alone. You give yourself a real opportunity to gain the self-esteem you need because all of a sudden, here you are, surviving sleepless nights while making ends meet, taking care of your child without help, changing light bulbs, getting in shape, and everything else you’ve never done as a one man show. You no longer seek validation, or require reassurance to lead your life the way you feel just.

The above sounds glorified but Lord knows how many years it’s taken me. I’ve cried youtubing videos on how to caulk tiles, or STRUGGLED waking up extra early to get a gym session in because that was the only time I could go between being a mother, chef, maid, the only source of income, while trying to feel normal, fight my loneliness and better my mental state of mind and spirit. It’s exhausting. 

But there is reward in that.

All in all, this circles back to my besties initial comment. “Divorce Suits You.” In my stories, I broadcast my socializing, free weekends, the girls trips and so on. But that is not the product of my divorce, but actually the outcome of my hard work. 

Actually – I can’t even take full credit. I am the end result of God’s mercy. He chose to restore my finances, my energy and opened doors to give me ease. Alhumdullilah.

This was a very preliminary look into my divorce. I wanted to keep it light. I’ll explore other aspects in future posts. 

The demise of a relationship is never easy. I am not here to encourage you to end your marriage. I love seeing budding relationships where people ride it out and make it work. It’s rare. But if you have made the decision and you’re taking the step, then brace yourself and surround yourself with the support you need to persist.

May Allah make it easy.  

Does anyone read anymore? Is this thing on? Hi! Welcome to my first post of “Dear Saira,” – an informal column that I’ve always wanted to do after all the interest my page gets in how to manage the innards of our lives as mothers, career driven women, wives and all the other various roles we play. 

I want this to benefit everyone involved. For the reader, I hope you gain some insight and perspective on how I navigate big events like divorce, death, and the daily struggle of life, in itself. For me – I hope you can send me prayers and share your thoughts on how you cope, further inspiring me to keep going. I want to create a safe space for women who are like minded and can gain inspiration from one another.

No topic is off topic here. I always get asked how I bounced back from divorce. How I recovered from losing both parents. How I manage financially, spiritually and emotionally. The truth is – I’m still figuring it out myself. I don’t have it all sorted. But if I can find inspo from you, to help me from burning out…that is enough for me.

At the age of 35, it is safe to say that I have seen quite a lot in my life. Probably more than the average 50 year old. I’m not an expert (obvi) but I do pride myself on being a self taught, thoroughly experienced advisor (just based on the conversations we’ve had on my various social media platforms). I won’t always give you good advice, but I will always keep it real. What more could you want out of a friend?

So hello! If you’re new here, I’m Saira. I’m a mom to a 5 year old daughter. I’m an introverted selective extrovert who finds momentum from women like you. Someone who struggles with the pangs of life, can’t always find her footing in this world but does her best to get by and make the most out of the circumstances handed to her. I find you relatable because you are like me. You’re probably looking for growth, peace of mind and ease. You’ll find it here. So stay a while. I’ll have posts to look forward to every Tuesday.

Till then – let me know what would be of interest to you. I may not know it all – but I can do a damn good job of pretending like I do. Till next week…

“May your neighbors respect you, trouble neglect you, angels protect you, and Heaven accept you……”