Saira Hayat Khan

For those of you who have followed me for a long time – you’ve seen me married, pregnant, then tackle motherhood, followed by a divorce, then single motherhood and now – a new relationship. It’s been a journey (to say the least). With that being said – I can confidently say that this part of my life is credited to God’s plans but I also tied my camel (IYKYK).

Getting out of a 10 year marriage was difficult. It wasn’t as easy as I allowed it to appear on social media. I had a young child – only 13 months old, I was still pumping, I had no job and was probably not even mentally stable LOL. I might have not known it then – but I also was still grieving the death of my parents. I had never really took the time to bare the load of it properly – and truly avoided the overwhelming part of it all. Looking back – I’m immensely grateful that Allah swt chose me for such beneficial tests. Alhumdullilah.

Being alone for 5-6 years really allowed me to regain my independence, a true sense of self, and the time to grow and self develop like I would have never been able to if I stayed in a marriage that didn’t work. The process of growth was not an overnight success but still a work in progress. As soon as I had made up my mind that I was going to feel what I needed to feel (not avoid it) – my whole world changed. The reason I chose to feel was that once you ACTUALLY experience those feelings – the next time they come around inevitably – they aren’t so scary. It was a great coping mechanism to adapt. I learnt to navigate fear, loneliness, stress and all the other negative emotions that come with change. In the initial stages of getting divorced,I welcomed unhealthy coping mechanisms like distractions. I hung out with the wrong people, partook in activities that never really interested me or tried to fill my schedule with events to avoid facing reality.

Getting to this version of myself was not linear and very much a tale of good days and bad days. That’s just part of being human. You can’t trust how you feel everyday. Your mind can be your greatest enemy but if you can combat the moment and get through it – you will eventually succumb to the fact that you’ve managed enough terrible moments to be confident enough to mange the next one. With that – things just get easier.

Healing, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, is a multi-faceted process that often requires time, effort, and sometimes professional help. Here are some general steps and strategies that can aid in different types of healing:

Emotional Healing

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel and express emotions without judgment.
2. Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing.
3. Self-Care: Engage in activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good.
4. Mindfulness and Salah: Practice mindfulness or prayer to stay grounded and present.
5. Journaling: Write about your thoughts and feelings to gain insight and clarity.

Psychological Healing

1. Therapy: Seek professional help such as counseling or psychotherapy.
2. Cognitive Behavioral Techniques: Use techniques to challenge and change negative thought patterns.
3. Stress Management: Learn and practice stress management techniques like deep breathing, yoga, or just walking around your neighbourhood.
4. Social Connections: Maintain and nurture relationships with supportive and positive people.
5. Limit Negative Influences: Reduce exposure to negative news, toxic relationships, or stressful environments.

Photography by: MJH Studios

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This is a very special project for me. When Shadia approached me, I had no hesitations. It was my chance to tell my story and share my growth with my audience.

For women who constantly ask me questions on how to thrive after a divorce or a breakup, or my own independent journey – I unravel it all on this podcast.

Click here to watch the entire podcast and would love to hear your feedback. =)

A big shout out to Shadia for giving me the opportunity to share my story. She has a wonderful podcast featuring some very important topics. Make sure to check her out by clicking on the platforms below. =)
Youtube
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Apple
Audible

Whether you’re a single parent or doing it with a partner – adjusting to your constant load of responsibilities at home or in the workforce is a forever struggle. Some days are tiring, some days are rewarding, while other days flow effortlessly. As a single mom to a young child with a demanding career, I am always aiming to maneuver life in a way where I can prevent burn out and sustain a level of enthusiasm while balancing both motherhood and my livelihood. Here are 5 things I do on either a weekly/daily basis to ensure that I can keep up with this funny thing called life.

ROUTINE. ROUTINE. ROUTINE. Having a regimented day makes all the difference in the world. I have had a relatively consistent schedule for the last few years that through trial and error, I was able to perfect. Again – my day may not work for everyone – but it definitely does for me. I’m an early riser – lately, it’s been later (as Raaya is off) but when her school picks back up this upcoming week, her and I both rise around 6am and it’s go go go. The days I lay in bed after my eyes open are never as productive as the days where I peel out of bed right away the instant my alarm rings or Raaya knocks. I start her breakfast, make her lunch, get my prayers and journaling in before getting ready for the day. In my journal is where I state my intention for the day. Seeing it on paper helps me internalize it. I drop her to school, gym on the way for an hour to the office then spend the entire day working till I have to pick her up. We get home, she eats, has her extracurriculars and is in bed by 7pm. Once she’s asleep is where I resume working for a bit, eat dinner then unwind. Sleep early and do it all over again. Having a schedule where her and I both know whats coming next makes life predictable and simple. Of course, every single day can’t be like this but the consistency helps.

Lucky or unlucky for me – my daughter spends a couple days out of the week at her father’s house. While she’s there, that is my time for errands, groceries, meal prep, laundry and deep cleaning my home. Of course I clean every single day to maintain the home but I save my deep scrubs for once a week. On those days, I’ll also order my groceries, pick them up, complete my laundry, and any other pending errands. I love for my daughter to come home to a cleaned, well aired out home with a full fridge. It’s rewarding for me. Aiming to do these tasks during the week really throw off my momentum with work and getting in quality time with her.

Although undiagnosed, I’m convinced I suffer from ADHD. This makes doing tasks efficiently extremely difficult for me. I am from the generation that manually wrote everything out. That helped us process information better. I have a physical calendar. I write out my daily, weekly, and monthly goals or to do list in there. I have it open all day to reference, should a task slip before me. I look at the monthly goals on a daily basis and make sure I do something everyday to work towards reaching those goals. Having a calendar on my phone or an app doesn’t sit as well as having it right in front of me. Try it – it’s a game changer.

Support is everything. As mothers – we often want to take on every possible role we can because we know we’ll do a good job at it and get it done. Although this is okay – it’s important to rely on your support system to make sure that you offload when you can. I lean on Raaya’s dad and my family when I feel overwhelmed or have a work commitment that conflicts with being available for her. Having a reliable support system gives you a next level of peace of mind that you feel comfortable leaving your child in the care of someone who will give them as much love and attention as you would if you were there.

The final and most important tip you’ll get out of me to maintain a good work life balance is making ME time. Life often flies by quickly so it is very important that we find ways to insert joy in our day to the best of our ability. Every night before bed, I unwind. I put my phone away, I sit with a good read or a good treat or a good watch and just disconnect. It helps me turn my brain off and just relax. I’ll also find time on weekends to go out with my family and friends to eat something yummy or do an activity that I enjoy. Finding time to make sure you partake in your interests and hobbies regularly will give you a real zest for life.

Keep in mind – you’re allowed to have off days where nothing goes according to plan and thats okay. The key is consistency and that will tremendously contribute to the quality of your life. =)

Photography: Preston Neville
416.889.7627
http://www.prestonneville.com
IG: @preston.neville
FB: Preston Neville Photography

I’ll be honest – the quality of my life depends on the quality of my relationships. When my relationships are thriving – I’m thriving. It’s not like I have problems with my family or friends – but I always feel like my life is better – when my relationships feel real, raw and honest.

One thing I notice as I navigate through life is that it doesn’t come as effortlessly or seamlessly for everyone. I wish everyone could understand how beautiful life could be when you’re surrounded by people who unconditionally love, support and make an effort to understand you.

The one thing I haven’t experienced is a romantic relationship that is as healthy as the one I’m in now. I don’t want nazar of course, but I want the women who turn to me to get an insight into what it feels like to be in a union that not only makes you feel loved, appreciated and wanted but one that inspires you to evolve, be content and add (not take away) to your peace.

I grew up in a loving home. I had parents and elders who expressed and showed affection and love. I see my sisters in law be amazing wives to my brothers and although I didn’t feel any voids from being alone, I always wanted to give Raaya an example of a healthy relationship so that one day, should she decide to seek a partner – it would be one that treated her like my dad did my mom.

Connecting with someone at this age, is interesting. If you’re both emotionally intelligent enough, you come together knowing what you want out of life and how to get there. You work together to align those aspirations and are committed to achieving the life you have set out for yourselves. There are no games, you both make an effort to communicate, and your priority is making sure your relationship remains a safe space for the both of you.

I love loving on my family. I love supporting them. Seeing them happy makes me so bloody happy – I can’t explain it. I genuinely feel my family feels the same way about me so reciprocating feels natural. Sharing that with a partner – feels like the ultimate win. Alhumdullilah.

Sharing your day or your problems with someone who is as invested in you as you are yourself is refreshing. It makes you feel secure when they pose solutions to your issues and even better when they attempt to pro-actively solve anything that may be a trial for you. I’ve always been an independent woman and prided myself on seeking resolution on my own. But being able to let go allows me to be so many things I haven’t always had an opportunity to be. I feel like I’m a calmer mother because I can share my load. I can communicate more effectively because there is so much trust between us. I’m able to really step into my soft feminine era because feeling taken care of emotionally is another level of stability that you will only understand when you experience it, alhumdullilah. Whether that be from a family member, friend, or a partner – it’s truly a freeing feeling.

I’ve become a commitment phobe as of more recent. I don’t know if it’s a phobia but it’s definitely a level of comfort I sank into after being alone all these years. It was an adjustment trying to share my life with someone. But when you have someone on the other end who takes the time to understand and comprehend your background so they can empathize with why you are the way you are or be forgiving of your flaws – it motivates you to become better. I’ve never experienced that before – I’ll be honest. I’ve truly only wanted to improve as a person for my child. Now – I want to control my tongue or be selfless in my actions. I’ve totally spent my days in the most selfish manners but now I think about a different kind of bigger picture. Your girl never thought she’d get here.

Those are just a few things that come to the top of my head when I think about healthy relationships. This post isn’t the most well written or thought out. But i just wanted to spew what came to the top of my mind to a) document for myself how I feel in this current point of my life & b)to remind my readers how positive relationships can alter your life.

All this would of course, not be possible, without the Grace of God. Alhumdullilah.

Photography: Preston Neville
416.889.7627
http://www.prestonneville.com
IG: @preston.neville
FB: Preston Neville Photography