Saira Hayat Khan

As someone who spends a lot of time alone and has a ton of time to self-reflect and focus on self development (because I’m a loner), it’s interesting to sit back and see how the outside world has changed over the last decade. To me – the state of society is extremely scary right now, and as a mother – I’m even more worried about how our values and priorities have shifted. I’m not perfect but I am proud that I have built a healthy enough mind that allows me to function in a way where I can protect my mental peace and work towards growth.

There was a time in my life when I welcomed unfulfilling relationships, wasting time and distractions that didn’t allow me to prosper in a direction that was beneficial for me. I stayed in relationships longer than I should have. I fought battles I could have avoided. I gave energy in places that didn’t deserve it. We all have. It’s a part of being human. But now, things are different. I’m extremely selective about how I spend my effort and who has access to me. And THIS – is the key to protecting your peace and in turn, establishing a healthier mindset.

What is a healthy mind anyway? Now I’m no expert, but I’ve seen how I’ve evolved from the surface level spoiled brat with scorpio tendencies I once had, to the strong, unwavering and self-soothing mindset I currently carry. I know this growth shows in my outward confidence. I hear it from people all the time. 

How did I get here? Simple but not so simple, at the same time.

Essentially – I made extremely hard decisions that I knew were important for me to grow up. 

What did that personally consist of? For me, that meant isolating myself from unhealthy environments. That meant, cutting off situations/people that weren’t on the same trajectory as me. That meant forcing myself to be alone and say no to relationships with men or women that didn’t serve my end goal of who I wanted to be/become. That’s not to say that it was all toxic and bad. It wasn’t. I had written out what I wanted out of life and what I personally needed to do to achieve that.

I wanted a life where the handful of people in my daily life unconditionally supported and cared for me. Pursuing this will help you understand your TRUE value as an individual. Not as a mom, a daughter or a wife. Just as you. Being around people who TRULY want good for you – will build your confidence and allow you to experience that unconditional love. You don’t have to doubt how you’re being perceived or worry about negative judgment because your life will consist of real conversations, interest and purpose. We’re human. Fearing judgment is a natural tendency. But that fear dissipates when you are surrounded by pure intentions and understanding.

Being alone and sitting with your thoughts also brings forth clarity and a healthier state of mind. In the past – I would fill my weekends with social events to distract myself from the happenings of my life. Now – I would rather sit with it and come up with a solution – and honestly? That has alleviated me from so much angst/anxiety that I once voluntarily carried.We are so scared of being alone that we rather stick it out in terrible relationships that serve us nothing positive, just so we don’t have to deal with being alone. If you’re in a relationship, you can still get this very valuable alone time. Having your own interests/hobbies and being intentional about doing things that serve your own individual needs is so underrated.  You won’t understand the weight of it till you actually do it. I highly recommend making it a point to prioritize your solo time.

Re-evaluating your attachments is the last thing I would advise to build a strong mental state. Breaking attachment from everything except our creator is a powerful feeling and will help you learn efficient coping mechanisms through all of life’s trials, whether they be the demise of relationships, death, work related tribulations and etc., When we are attached to the performance of others, or expectations of how we anticipate certain things to pan out, we are bound to be faced with disappointment. Again – disappointment is natural, but I strongly believe we can be proactive in minimizing the disappointments we face day in and day out when we expect our spouses or family/friends to behave in certain manners. Accepting that everyone is on their own individual journey with their own uphill battles and limiting beliefs on how others act or how life events will unravel will allow us to let the bad roll of our backs. As we are less attached to the outcomes we think will happen, our days will feel a little lighter, inshAllah.

All in all – this is all not to say that you won’t have bad days. Of course you will. That is all a part of the human experience.Our mental health is so fragile and needs adequate attention and care. Life is unpredictable and so this is just a mild reminder to practice self love where you can. God is the best of planners. Keep your faith in Him and all else will fall in place, inshAllah.

Photography: Preston Neville
416.889.7627
http://www.prestonneville.com
IG: @preston.neville
FB: Preston Neville Photography

Tuesday evening and its around 7:15pm. I just put Raaya down to sleep after a full work day (alhumdullilah) and a productive cleaning/cooking day at home. I love days like this. I’ve spent the last few days moping around because I was so exhausted from our travels to Florida last week. Disney wore me out. Just another reminder of my aging. Now that my laundry is done and my cooking for the week is complete – I can sit back and put my feet up. This is my favourite part of the day. I love unwinding. My hectic schedule requires me to sit in the quiet and just enjoy the stillness or I’ll go insane. 

I’ve now lived alone for 5 years so I have a good grip on what it looks like. If you’re in the midst of the demise of your relationship – what I’m about to share will set your expectations up for your unforeseeable future.

When someone tells me they have good news and bad news – I always ask for the bad first. So that’s how I’ll position this piece. I’ll begin with the cons and end on a good note with the pros of living on your own.

The first thing that comes to mind is responsibilities. It is the bane of my existence. Managing an entire house, a mortgage, the bills, property taxes, and so on is very difficult. I have never really been one to budget or watch incoming or outgoing (alhumdullilah). If I did, I would simply pass away from the stress. I worry about money – a lot. Not having anyone to share your expenses with takes a major toll. I don’t collect support of any kind so you know I’m losing sleep at night worrying about the future. Taking out the garbage, doing the pickup/drop off, cooking & cleaning, laundry, household tasks, etc., also consumes so much of my time that the balancing act of roles that are often shared by two people in a home fall solely on your shoulders. Through organization and planning, you can manage. But the load does feel heavy. Alhumdullilah, of course.

Secondly, I guess in hindsight it would be nice to share your day with someone. It’s been so long since I’ve seen a man walk in this house that I almost forgot what that feels like. What am I missing out on? Maybe someone to watch a movie with, or someone to talk to at dinner, or maybe someone to support you after a rough day. (Can I be honest? It took me so long to think of what another person can contribute to your life that it took me forever to format that last sentence lol.) There was a time when I felt lonely but that feeling is also far gone. I’ve become so comfortable in my own silence and solitude that I’m not exactly sure what someone else brings to your life. Sad, I guess. But I don’t feel sadness over it.

Another downfall of living alone is how comfortable you get living alone. It happens without you noticing. For me it’s to the point where I know if I was to settle down again, sharing space with another human being that isn’t Raaya would be so difficult. Not impossible, just difficult. I like how I’ve set up my minimalistic home and how clean it is and I don’t want to have to compromise my closet space. Selfish, I know.

But to be honest – there are so many more pros. I love being alone. My home is so clean and organized. ALL. THE. TIME. Mind you, it’s very easy for me to keep it this way considering my child is so clean and organized herself. I only have to cook for Raaya and I. I don’t have to deal with snoring or a man walking out of his pants and leaving them on the ground. I don’t have to look at shaved clippings in my white bathroom. My home is exactly how I leave it. I don’t have to come home to a mess I didn’t make. Did I mention that I take up every single closet in this house?

Forget all that – the best part about living alone is becoming your own best friend. Ultimately, you only have yourself. So imagine having the time and space to be able to get to know who you truly are outside of being a wife, mom or daughter. I can say 80% of women will never have the time to truly figure that out, while juggling all those hats. Not to say they’re not as well off as me. Just to say – they have much more to manage than I do. They don’t easily have the means the way I might because they may be distracted. I have never solidified my self-confidence and purpose like I have in the ladder part of this year – simply by intentionally staying alone. It is so fulfilling! I don’t rely or depend on anyone but my Lord. That is the best feeling in the world. Alhumdullilah.

Lastly, living alone really forces you to grow up. It forces you nto responsibility. Catapults you into growth. I don’t know whether to categorize this as a pro or a con but personally, I have enjoyed it. Although stressful and tiring, I love my simple routine that isn’t steered in any direction besides the direction I want it to go in. 

So if you are contemplating what it may be like to be on your own – just know it comes with a huge transition period. Humans are social creatures. We need companionship like we need water. But don’t let that deter you from the contentment and peace that the quiet of your home brings. InshAllah, you have health and a roof over your head – you’re better off than so many people. Go into it embracing the change and get excited at all the potentail growth you’re about to embark on.

Photography: Preston Neville
416.889.7627
http://www.prestonneville.com
IG: @preston.neville
FB: Preston Neville Photography

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It’s Saturday night. I’m at the office. Almost 9pm and Raaya is spending the weekend at her dad’s house. One year ago, this wouldn’t have been how I’d be spending an evening on a weekend. Although I’ve lived alone for the last 5 years, it wasn’t always my preference. Now? Home is my number 1 place to be. I had plans to be out with my best friend but I honestly bailed because I wanted to stay home and work out my problems (lol). That’s the honest truth.

I’ve been really worried about the economic situation we’re currently facing. With inflation at an all time high, and the shift in the real estate market, I’m stressed. This is adulthood and alhamdulillah that these are my tiny little problems. Tonight, I had a major realization that my responsibilities are too heavy to enjoy the simple things sometimes. And that’s because the onus is solely on me. When you are the single provider of an entire household, living in an expensive city, managing all the responsibilites on your own – it takes a toll on you. Sadly, the worry doesn’t end with finances. Actually – the worry doesn’t end, period. But that’s life and that’s inevitable. Whether you’re a single mom or not.

I wanted to use this post to simply outline a few worry points that come strictly with being a single parent. The motive behind this isn’t to stress you out – it’s simply to manage your expectations. So let’s get right into it. 

Something that was an initial concern for me but I’ve learnt to manage is time. Doing everything on your own without the help of a partner can get tiring. On a daily basis, I literally have to fit in all meal preps, household tasks, pick up/drop off, homework help, bedtime routines, etc., all the while trying to run multiple businesses and also be an attentive enough mother. Most days – I’m exhausted. That can often lead to me not being as patient of a parent as I’d like to be. That also doesn’t allow me to give Raaya the attention she needs as a 5 year old. I can’t put my responsibilities aside to play with her all the time. I want to of course, but it isn’t that simple. It would be nice to share the burdens of adulthood with someone so that you can get a few hours to engage your child without juggling clients or keeping my engagement up on social media up so that I can sell enough products to meet my financial obligations. I’d love to have the capacity for it all – but I’m usually spread thin.

My goal is to show Raaya healthy examples of relationships so that one day, she too can emulate what she grew up watching. I was raised in a happy home where my parents truly loved each other. My brothers have thriving marriages with compromise and understanding. My Taya and Tayi have a wonderful marriage. I want to show her the same. But how can I do that well enough without her being exposed to her married parents? How will she learn the healthy habits of what a long-lasting marriage entails without examples? I’m sure she’ll figure it out, inshAllah – but still, I think about it.

Although outrageous, I also ponder what would happen if I didn’t wake up one morning. How would anyone know that Raaya is alone? I know eventually it would be sorted but what kind of trauma would be imposed on her in that timeframe? I’m morbid, I know. But this is due to all the experience I’ve personally had with death. I can’t help it. These might seem like unrealistic fears for my daughter but then again, is that really irrational? Death is the only guarantee in life and this scenario is very much a possibility. Allahuallam.

As parents, we all struggle with concerns on the upbringing of our children. As mothers, there is a reason why Jannah is under our feet. It’s a massive undertaking to rear children. But all we can really do is put our best foot forward and have faith in Allah that He will protect them, inshAllah. My worries are not different from other mothers but bearing the load on my own feels heavier on some days. Today was just one of them.

Photography: Preston Neville

  416.889.7627
http://www.prestonneville.com
IG: @preston.neville
FB: Preston Neville Photography

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